“The bird a nest, the spider a web, man friendship.” – William Blake
I don’t like this quote. As an introvert, I tend to avoid sharing my heart. My refusal to be vulnerable with others stems from a place of deep self-loathing. In the past, I gave into the many lies that left me believing I was unknowable, unlovable, and incapable of friendship. In an attempt to protect myself, I put up thousands of walls around my heart. Yet, instead of the fortress I had hoped for, I created a starvation bunker.
Ironically, I ended up at Christ in the City. With missionary life practically revolving around friendship, I quickly found myself face to face with the paradox I was living. I believed friendship was impossible, yet I’m living in community? Friendship is impossible; yet everyday I make new friends on the street?
Then came a wake-up call: Amy, your heart is starving for this. You have to let yourself be known and loved. You need friendship. Friendship is your home.
So why have I resisted?
I have resisted the idea of friendship because I was so frightened by the thought of getting hurt.
Many of our friends on the street believe the same lies about themselves that I do. They feel that same self-loathing, and think they too, are a burden. Like me, they don’t want to get hurt more than they already have. For many, friendship has not been and is still not worth the risk.
As a missionary, I have the unique privilege of striving to know, love, and serve our friends on the street. I want them to know that I see them, that I love them just the way they are, and that I hope the world for them. I want them to believe that I am their friend.
But in order to do that, I have to be open to it myself.
It has taken long hours of sitting in the chapel and finding my identity in the gaze of Christ to begin to chip away at the wall of lies I have built around my heart. Long hours of learning how to receive love and let others hold my heart. Long hours of repeating to myself over and over that I am not a burden.
I know that friendship is possible in my life. It is something I desire. It is the home I have always searched for, and the greatest gift I can give away. Friendship is the life of Christ shining within me. Now I must decide, will I take the risk?
Amy is a missionary from Derwent, Alberta, Canada. She enjoys music, old films, and walking in the rain.
Thank you Amy for opening yourself up to our friends on the street but maybe even harder to the world with your post here!
Glad you said yes to the call:)
Thanks Amy most of us would never let ourselves be seen so vulnerable. God bless and thanks for showing us the way.
God bless
Colleen
Thank you Amy,
I experienced some chinks in the armour while in Europe, but your article makes you eminently more accessible to those who love you. Aunty Marlane loves you dearly, in her words, “the whole time, the whole way, entirely.”
Thank you for the great gift of yourself.
Much love,
M&K
Thanks, Amy. I am praying for you, the homeless, Christ in the City missionaries, and the world (myself included) that we may all “chip away at the wall of lies we have built around our hearts”… whatever that is for each of us, which keeps Christ from fully living in us and through us. I am holding your heart in prayer.
Peace,
Judy
Thanks, Amy. I am praying for you, the homeless, Christ in the City missionaries, and the world (myself included) that we may all open our hearts and take a few more risks… whatever that is for each of us, so Christ can fully live in us and through us.
Peace,
Judy
Amy, you are beautiful both inside and out. Christ definitely shines through in your beautiful smile. Over the next seven months Christ will touch your life and shine through you even more. What a blessing you are and will be to your friends on the street. Many blessings to you.
Beautiful. Thanks Amy!
Any, thank you for your encouraging words. I too would like to chip away at some of the similar lies I have let build up in my heart. I am so thankful for the work of Christ in the City and for your posts!
Amy thank you for your humbleness and honesty.. where all growth and trust in the Lord Jesus and His dear Mother begin .. They have a plan for you and simply ask that you trust …in their live and plan for you .. You are beautiful inside and out .by the God that lives you .. Blessings Nancy McMenaman
Much thanks for your friendship Amy.
P.S. we got the gold medal in women’s hockey. ;p